A normal instructions on how to be normal

Wake up, not too late, take a coffee, wake up others that want to be abnormal and want to sleep longer then it’s normal. You don’t drink coffee? Sorry, you can’t be normal. 

Anyway, now that everyone is awake and you had your coffee, you better prepare some breakfast. As a very normal person you know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Now eat that breakfast, solemnly, at times screaming crankily at others at the table. You don’t have a table? Sorry, you can’t be normal. You don’t eat breakfast at the table, neatly seated, you as the head of a table and other hierarchically distributed around the table? Sorry, you can’t be normal. 

So, here we go, it’s time to share and spread some normality with others out of your home. You don’t have a home? Sorry, you can’t be normal. 

So, now you are out in the street, greeting people with a nice smile in a smart dress, you look so damn normal. You don’t say “damn” sometimes? Sorry, you can’t be normal. 

You come to work and you work. That’s completely normal. Then it’s a break. You go for lunch with coworkers. You go to a very normal restaurant that offers very normal dishes with very normal prices. Wait a minute. I say wait a minute and you wait for a minute. You are normal and I think I wanted to write “You are very normal” and then it hit me, as it sometimes happens, that it is abnormal to say “very normal”. There is no such thing as VERY “normal”. It is normal that things hit you sometimes. They don’t hit you? Sorry, you are not normal. 

And then you go back to work after you had normal time eating with normal coworkers. The abnormal workers do not have lunch with normal workers anyway, so there are only normal things happening with normal coworkers during a normal lunch break. You don’t have a lunch break? Sorry, you are not normal.

You work till the end of the shift and homebound you go to the gym. You don’t have money to go to the gym? Sorry, you are not normal. 

“Question normality” by gumption is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

You need not only feel and think normal, you need also to look normal. So that no one sees you. That’s a normal thing to happen to a normal person like you. No one sees you. And yet they notice you. As a most normal thing. See, again, I did another abnormal thing, I wrote “as a most normal thing”. There is no such thing as “most normal thing”. You are normal. That’s normal. I’m not.

Using “most” and “very” as comparative and superlative forms of adjectives makes me abnormal. I will do better. I am already doing better. I’m becoming normal. Like you. Oh, no, again. I failed. It is abnormal to fail. I’m sorry I’m not normal. 

When you fail, you fail twice. That makes failing abnormal. As a normal person, you do certain things only once. I do things twice. Abnormal. Sorry, I’m not normal.

I failed first with comparing myself to you, and now I am even admitting it. Failing comes in pairs, see. You tell me: you do not learn or become normal, you are or you are not normal. Ah, I’m not born normal. I was born with an umbilical cord around my neck. That’s abnormal. Sorry, I’m not normal.

And you add: you seem normal to me. This makes me miserable. Only “seem”. Sorry, I’m not normal. 

So, you went to a gym, had a normal leg day at the gym which is normal for Thursdays, like a normal personal trainer of yours told you. Yes, it is normal to have a personal trainer if you are normal and you are. I don’t have a personal trainer. Sorry, I’m not normal.

It is normal to jump from first person to second person teller in storytelling. No, it’s not, you say. Sorry, you are not normal. Sorry, I am not normal.

Then you pick up and/or meet members of your household and have fun. Later in the evening, when the darkness comes upon a day, you will listen to the news of the day, hug some people of your household, on Fridays also have sex. I don’t have sex. Sorry, I’m not normal. 

Friday is for sex. Sometimes Saturday. It is normal not to follow the agreed schedule to the minute. As the night deepens its coverage of the day, you fall asleep with a pill. It is normal to take a sleeping pill, so you have a normal sleep. If you wouldn’t take a sleeping pill, you would be abnormal and abnormal things would come to you sneaking into your dreams and life. Like in mine. I’m not normal. Sorry, I don’t take pills. I take words. Make things normal with words.  

The sleep is sound, no abnormality could come in during the dreams you had. And now go to the beginning of this text and start all over. It is normal you add or omit some things in the normal schedule. It is normal you repeat. It is normal to make little distinctions in the repetition, so the repetition doesn’t produce much difference, so you can continue being normal. Not like me. I keep on being the same old abnormal being. Sorry.

Simeon Huzun

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